Currently Stuck in a Black Hole

How did I end up here?

The first question that came to mind as I sat to write this. Even the title of this post is a departure from my usual writing. My content strays to look for the optimism in life, but sometimes life doesn’t always line up, and hey I’m human. Human indeed.

I’m stuck.

Currently stuck in the soul suck. It all stems from my job. A place I don’t like, burdened to come here day after day because of money. A sort of indentured servitude. The downside to all of this is, I did it to myself. At the beginning of the year, I was optimistic about my path. I believed I was making moves to advance my “career.” I put that in quotes because a “career” is never what I wanted. Taking a position to further my “resume” is everything I swore never to become.

I’ve explained my differences with the working world. My ideas of avoiding the monotony and living your life with intention. This time last year I was happy with my work. I was happy with my moves. I was unhappy with my finances, but I stuck it out because of personal fulfillment. I messed up throwing that away.

Thus is life. We make choices. Sometimes they’re good, and sometimes they lead you to a pile of ****

For the last four months, I’ve identified my frustration. It stems from not aligning myself with work I care for, while being chained to a system because of the responsibilities to my daughter, partner, and making sure we thrive.
 
When you’re making no money, and are expected to operate like you are, it adds to the frustration you’re already feeling. I’m sure some of you have been here before. It seems like you’re in an abyss. Trying to find a way out, and the void swallows you completely. Does it sound like depression? I'm trying to convince myself it's not,  or maybe not full blown?

I’m still happy about the life ‘I’ have. The life I share with my loved ones. My family, my partner, my existence. How? Because I know who I am. Unfortunately, I haven’t found the correct mechanism to match my “I” life with my work life, but that's not from a lack of trying, and damn near stuck close this last year.


A light has surfaced

Here I go getting optimistic again. Sorry, I can’t help it. See even when provided a huge pile of it, you can only take so much before you refuse and throw it away in search of something better. You seek for a glimmer of light in the dark. That’s where I am.

In this process of being unhappy, I've been ignited and reacquainted with something deep within. A personal passion. Something I thought I could never become. An artist.

An artist only in label I guess. I’ve always had an affinity for the arts. It’s why this site exists, why these words are on this screen. I have the desire to express myself. Whether through words, graphics, website, dance, etc. I didn’t come to this world to accept what I see. I want to change things. I want to play with them. I want to create them.

In a few short months (can’t come soon enough), I will be working on formalizing my skills and setting on a path to pursue graphic design full time. I’ve been inching towards this for the last few week, beginning with an investment in a self-learning drawing book. I’ve been viewing Graphic Design videos on YouTube to keep the motivation going.

Best thing yet, I hope to take these skills and use them in becoming a digital nomad. A roaming artist.  The reason I got caught up in the abyss came from being influenced by life pursuits I don't follow. You know the social tenants of stability, security, monotony. That's not who I am or what I care to be.

I’m a free spirit.
I need to move.
And move I shall.

(recent drawing from my 30 day challenge)